Waiting and Out of Control

These are really great skills to have and use in life and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Unfortunately I am a complete white belt when it comes to both of these skills. I have gotten better over the past 9 months on skills like putting my feet above my head or moving from guard topside control. But I have noticed my sharp edge for growth is all about what to do when I am completely out of control.

I have been working over the past few weeks on getting more comfortable pulling guard or breathing when someone has top or side control. Up until then I found myself just tapping and sheepishly explaining that I get claustrophobic. Which I do. And I have not stepped up to the plate to gain comfort in that particular discomfort.

So, two weeks ago I pulled guard for the first time in live training. And it wasn’t that bad. Coach Wojtek quickly recovered side control and advanced. But for me, it was a small victory. And I forced myself not to tap when my next training partner got side control and worked on a submission. Instead of tapping I worked an escape technique and swept into my own submission attempt. I was really proud of myself. Added to all of this was the training that day was No Gi. I had in my head that I didn’t like No Gi and was quite honestly intimidated to engage in training on those days.

At the end of training I was pretty euphoric. I thrived using some new perspective and enjoyed and had No Gi “click” for me. Oh and Coach Wojtek gave a bit of a pep talk/butt kick to our group to train longer and to challenge ourselves. I went 4 rounds of live training! So many wins for Hallgren!!

I got to my next class riding my wave of confidence and excitement. We warmed up and began with the Tiger Tail drill ( remember 70 push-ups with Big Mike!). I was with Matt, a great guy and brown belt. About two seconds into the drill my right pinky got caught on his lapel and took a 90 degree turn outward, all while making a very distinctive little pop. Hello broken finger, goodbye wave of enthusiasm.

So, in another way I am dealing with waiting and loss of control. All I really want to do is train. To continue to learn and make gains. I am fearful my momentum will be stopped. I’m pissed that I keep getting these little nagging injuries and I just want to go hard. But my body won’t let me. It says slow down or even stop for a while.

And I HATE it. Like inner rage. I am a pretty calm guy on the outside but deep inside me I have a pool of frustration, disappointment and regret. I’m discovering that I don’t like to be out of control because it opens that space. It makes me deal with the deficits I have gathered in life. It feels like a 300 pound training partner in top control.

Do I sheepishly tap? I don’t think so. F that. I’m going to breathe and use the techniques I’ve learned. I will lean on my training and advance!!

And how do I accomplish this…I surrender. I tap. I release the power that Ego has and I endure with peace. This is the deep place where my faith meets my art. And that meeting creates grace and gratitude.

Struggle today. Fight to be at peace. Surrender and heal.